Sunday, December 11, 2005

Thanksgiving and Family

Thanksgiving is the first Holiday in the Holiday season. I love this time of year. This Thanksgiving I went to my husband's cousin's house and brought along my nephew. We did have a blast this year. I know that family is one of the most important things that you can have in life. Money, fame or even prestige cannot hold a candle to family. Family love you no matter what is going on in your life. They are the ones that you can lean on. They are the ones that hold you up when you feel that you are sinking. They are the ones that will come down to gutter and get dirty to pull you out and clean you off. That is how I see family. It is lovely to look at the next generation of family and know that they have so much potential in life and to know that they are already builfing bonds that will last a lifetime.

Monday, November 07, 2005


When I was a young girl I never thought that I would be a mother. Now I cannot imagine being anything other than a mother. My children bring so much joy to my life on a daily basis. My oldest daughter is such a free spirit. She is always trying to help other people. Shw walks around with her head in the clouds seeing only the good in others. She is effervescent and beautiful. My son is agressively loving. When he hugs you know that you have been hugged. When he kisses, he tackles you then plants a long wet one. He makes sure that a person knows that they are loved by this boy. My youngest daughter is totally opposite of my other two children. She is a princess. SHe will tell you the what for and the why whether you asked her or not. I jealously embrace my time with my children. They are such a reason for living. I love to watch them learn new things in the world. Seeing their faces shine as they learn to tackle that math problem. Or the first time they go in the potty. I have seen three human beings grow from my arms to the world and I love every minute.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Don't be intimidated

I was having a conversation with a nursing student who stated that she gets very nervous around certain instructors of hers. She said that even if she knows the right answer she gets so nervous that she stumble over her words. I told her that her instructors are not trying to intimidate her but to give her understanding of the material she is learning. I also told her to have a talk with the instructor that scares her and tell the instructor how she feels. I hope it works out for her.

I still harbor an extreme hatred for math due to a teacher in second grade that told me I could never understand the concept of math. Till this day I have a blindspot to understanding mathematical concepts. I am doing better but I use an electrical backup.

Sunday, March 13, 2005


I am my own expert and I am not affected by the negative attitudes and opinions of others. I can open my mind. I can see love and happiness in even the most evil of mankind. I can see life. I can see God in this mysterious universe. I know that mankind are apart of mysteries. Personalities, where do they come from? How were they created? The organ called the brain is has many intricacies. The mind has got to be the powerful something we have.

Saturday, March 12, 2005


A scotoma is defined as a blindspot that keep us from realizing our potential. In other words it's like looking at something right in front of you but you can't see it. We all behave and act not as we see ourselves but as we perceive ourselves. Everyone has scotomas, they are based on our religious preference, the way we were raised as well as what we have experienced in our lives. We become conditoned to the way things are in our lives; the way people talk to us, treat us, the way we treat others even the way we expect things to happen in our lives. Once we get our mind's set that this is the way things are when something change in our lives that doesn't match up with what we believe as the way things should be we tend to build a blindspot around it. It is with this type of reasoning that most of us limit our potential in life. Most of us have no idea that we have built these blindspots so we go through life believe that we are not as smart as the other person or can never be good at math or that many goals we wish we could achieve are not possible for whatever reason. Our conditioning cause us to think this way. We must learn to stop behaving and acting on the truth as we believe or perceive it but start acting and behaving in accordance with the truth as it is.

One of the areas in my life where I have scotomas is my nursing education. I have tried twice times to start my nursing education and I always seem to sabotage my education. I felt that I did the same thing just last year when I quit clinicals. I now know that is not the case at all. I actually broke a scotoma. I made a realization that I had to make a change in my life if I ever wanted to be a nurse. Continuing to believe that because I am bipolar was a scotoma. Understanding my condition, taking my medication and getting counseling is releasing that scotoma.

The benefits of knowing about blindspots is that now I am on the lookout for them. I am now always trying to find new options and ideas this allows me to be more receptive to new ideas.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

My Grades

I usually try not to worry about my grades. But I am particularly happy I know that ai will be going into midterms with two A's and three B's. Yeah!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Total Abandon

How many times as adults do we experience total abandon? The other day I was in a rush I had to get to class, but first I had to drop one kid at school, go to the bank, bank go to the store, drop two kids off at daycare, take my husband money at work. I was late getting out of bed (totally my fault). I felt that this was going to be a really bad morning. Oh yeah did I mention it snowed (again) so now the roads are bad and speeding is absolutely not an option. I finally got all the kids dressed to their coats and shoes, got myself dressed heading to the van. My children, my lovely children decided to save my live that morning. My youngest went for the nearest snowdrift, my son decided to make fresh boot prints (away from the van of course). I went and started the van and put all the bags in the van. I turned around to start rounding up children when I noticed that all three were behind another car looking at me with smirks. I went to them yelling that we had to go right now when my beautiful eldest daughter hit me square in the face with a snowball. You know what it, the fight was on. That morning I felt total childish abandon. I threw snowballs, I rolled in the snow and I had the time of my life. I only had time to get to barely get to class on time and I was wet but it felt so great.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

A Hundred Years from Now

My husband drinking from the jug, my son writing on the wall, my daughter interrupting me when I am talking, my little one spilling her juice, poop leaving the diaper and getting on the mattress, a whole bottle of shampoo being poured down the toilet, mashed potatoes on the sofa, my computer being dropped by my son, my purse thrown from my van and list can go on and on. All of these things caused me to become upset and angry over the last few months. But a friend of mine put some things into perspective for me, "Will any of it matter in a hundred years from now." Life is to short to be upset all the time over little things that happen in life. In nursing school I met a fellow student who happened to be atheist. When we first met it was in an ethics class and things got a little heated between us when we discussed religion. But I always understood her views. When we were in nursing class together there was a day when she made a comment that I didn't particularly like. Instead of praying about it (like I normally would do), I made a comment out loud in class that I would confront her if she said anything like that again. Unfortunately their was other things going on in my life and I forgot about the whole incidence. I suppose someone told what I said sometime later because six weeks later she confronted me about what I had said. This was six weeks after the first incident. My point is four months later that whole problem no longer matters. Too many times I tend to blow up about things that are really not that important. Since January it has been one of my goals not to blow up over the small stuff. I scotchgaurded the couch, rented a steam cleaner, spend quality time with my children and buy my husband his own milk jug.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me - Phillipians 4:13

Many of life's circumstances are created by three basic choices: the disciplines you choose to keep, the people you choose to be with; and, the laws you choose to obey. --Charles Millhuff (evangelist)

Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow. --Mahatma Gandhi

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, 'I am with you kid Let's go!' --Maya Angelou

These four quotes mean a lot to me when I think about life, especially where I have came from. I was born in the ghetto of an inner city. Raised by a mother who told how she tried to get rid of me in utero. This woman allowed me to go through some deplorable acts at the hands of my stepfather. It is a wonder that I made it through my childhood with only bipolar disorder. I learned that family extends beyond the biological and that the phrase "blood is thicker than water" needs an admendment; "but sometimes blood clots." I was lucky to have a wonderful grandmother as a child and when I was ten a couple of ladies from my church took me under their wing. One eventually took me into her home. My adopted family showed me what a real family is all about. Showed me that family disagree but they build each other up, not tear each other down. I learned that I had people who cared about me and my well being and my safety. They made it possible for me to trust.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Journal of Lost Sisterhood

(I feel that since I am using this blog as my journal I need to put a piece of my pain here also. Maybe my experience may be able to help someone else)

This time it’s really over. This time I won’t go back. No matter how much I want to. You hurt me. You made me go back to the dark side. The dark side of my heart. Where I slit and punch walls. The side that never sees the light of day. You act like my friend but you aren't. You never cared. You lied to me about everything. Friends don’t take thier guy over there girls. Why did you do this? You know I care about what happens to you. So you just sit there and act like nothing happened. I don’t think that way. I remember the pain you made me have. The pain is shown right here. This is it I don’t care. Screw you and your guy. I hate you for what you did to me. Your guy didn’t tell you to ignore me. Yet you did. Screw you. I quit trying to help you. Your problems aren’t mine. Get a new friend. One you can take advantage of. But it’s not me. Don’t try to get me back. I will walk the other way. And not care at all. It’s over for good now.

We were supposed to be friends for a long time yet to come.well, our friendship has gone down the day, i exploded...and you took it hard. the doormat barred her teeth and you did not like i am gone. we will never see each other ever again. i never thought we would part like this.but there is no going back. i do not miss you. and i will never contact you. i will never talk to you again.time to move on. you just forgot that even a doormat has her pride and dignity. you went too good bye is all i have to say.

I don't wanna pretend were best friends side it cuts me deep makes me sore.its like everything you ever do.i find a reason to forgive you.everything that hurts me i let sliphoping one day you'll get a grip.but I'm sick of waiting for you to grow up.I'm giving in, giving can't call me, you cant expect me to be there for you.cos this time were finished for true.I'm not gonna be there.don't expect me to drop on my knees an careI'm not going to forgive youthats something this chick isn't gonna do

Drifting apart, in a stale piece of art.A jigsaw puzzle that goes together so easily, pieces fitting perfectly as if two are one, and one it really two.Once we were a whole now we are cracked never to be whole.An empty space that no one knows exists because they can't read you,like your old friend could do.They don't get you,like your former friend would.Sadness sets in, as a whole new world begins.It starts with loneliness, but as you pass your former friend and all the meaningful memories that you had.They just walk by and you don't understand why they do the new things they do.Sad and depressed you now see that you weren't close of friends as friends might be.

We were the best of friendsyou knew everything about meI thought i knew everything about youBut i found out that you used meYou lied to meYou used what i told you and told everyone elseThan i felt so bad because i did not think you could do that.But than i found out it was you.When i finally realized that you were not a true friendI was left hurt and cring.While you laughed and went on with your happy life.

We both had our dreams only mine were nice and yours were mean.We both knew exactly what to say only you would think mine was dumb. You would roll you eyes or stick out your tongue.We both had a dream only yours would mean nothing and mine would mean something.Because you asked me what i thought it took the lecture to far and now I'm left not knowing who you are.I tried as best as i could to forget about the things you said but yet I'm left still sitting in bed.Trying to get thoughts of you out of my head.If i could have one dream come true it would be that i never met you because then it would be so easy to forget you.

I have escaped my bondage,To find a worse fate.Friends that are enemies,And a world full of hate.A world full of secrets,No two people have the same.Yet they pretend to know,They pretend it's a game.Running around without a guide,Trying to make it all make sense.Not realizing the darkness,Just keeps getting more dense.I've escaped my bondage,But my prison remains intact,Because all the world,Is afraid to act.

"hey, what's wrong?" they always askwhat goes on behind that mask?anger and violence, flowing to my fistshurt and pain are painted on my wrists.the sign of a lonely girl are the tear-drop stains on her cheek,yeah, she used to be strong but now i guess she's weak.OK i shut myself off from them,only because i don't want them knowing i feel broken.used, abused and dumped again.the story of my life, the tale of that friend.the friend i spent every moment with,where that friendship is.. i guess that's a myth.[November 6, 2004] a day to remember, the summer of lies and broken hearts. empty promises.

I don't need you to comfort meyou've hurt me too much nowyou lied and cheated meand all i can ask is howi thought you were a real friendi really thought you caredi thought that you would always be truei thought that you'd be therebut all along you held that knifeso close to my back for months and months i listened to youi took all of you're crapand when you told me what you'd donei didn't believe youi thought this girl is My best friendthats something she wouldn't dobut now you've made me stronger girland i will say thatthanks for ramming that knife of yours deep into my back!!!!!!!!!!

Will we be friends forever?We often asked each otherI guess when we answered yesIt was just a guessYou back-stabbed me with the sharpest knifeEverything you did shattered my lifeWhat made you turn so evil?Now you really are the devilWhy do you hate me now?I thought we had our special vowWe would be friends foreverBut now our relationship has severForever has just endedI feel so offendedYou never were a true friendHow could you pretend?!Will we be friends forever?We often asked each otherI guess when we answered yesIt was just a guessFriend::a person you know well and regard with affection and trust*Think about that...

Today it comes out,and there is no doubt.Everything happens,for it's own reasons.You have memories of me andI have memories of you.I'll remember it as ifit happened today.Knowing all of it wasa memory in the past.We had so many arguments,I knew that it wasn't right.Are you happy?I hope you are, butwish,that in your heart, you'llnever forget me as an old friend.if we hadn't meton that one very day,So much would be different,in every single way. Your friendship wasn't long,but it seemed forever with you.I know that I can't explain it to you,just maybe because your not listening to me.It's sad now that it had to come to this,but now it has to be the end.But remember this,I'll always be one call away,If you ever need me.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Why I love That Man of Mine?

There are times that I know I make his life a living hell, but he has stood strong by my side. I knew he was definitely the one for me when I first met him. I felt so comfortable around him that it was like wearing my favorite pair of jeans. When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder I was afraid that he would take my daughter and I would never see either of them again. Instead he contacted the doctors and spoke with counselors in order to learn more about the disorder. He learned what to look out for such as what are symptoms of mania and depression, medication side effects, what family can do to help, how he can help me stay on track. He did all this and we weren't even married. Even after finding out what he would be putting up with he still decided to surprise me with marriage (literally). Just last week for Valentine's Day he got his brother to watch the kids and took me out and shocked me a electronic keyboard (I'm taking piano lessons). He seems like a brute to some people, he has a wry since of humor and can just act dumb sometimes. But deep down he is just a teddy bear. He is very sensitive and loving not only to his children and myself but to nearly everyone he meets. I have never met a more loyal person. This man truly is my best friend.

Monday, February 14, 2005

What I Have Learned in Life?

Nothing heals a scar like a true friends love.

Every ending has a new beginning.

Only thing you can truly own is your name.

Life won't always be easy, but it will be fun.

As far as you can see, you can go.

Family is the foundation and starting point of our lives.

You can't unbreak a broken heart, but you can mend it.

As a mother: a child's laughter is very contagious.

As a wife: being loved by another person is very important.

As a daughter: there is nothing like a mother's wisdom, love and touch.

As a sister: sincere honesty goes a long way.

As a friend: you are who your friends are, choose wisely.

As a student: learning is lifelong.

As a employee: Ask questions if you don't know something.

As a christian: God will guide me through.

As a driver: slow down before you hurt somebody.

As a rolemodel: everything I do in life my little ones are watching.

As a caregiver: People who are hurting still have dignity.

As a person: I am worthy of love, family and success.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

My Successes in 28 Years of Life

I have three wonderfully, smart, healthy and beautiful children.

I have been married to an awesome man for five years.

I have been a nurse aide, helping people for eight years.

I have started nursing school to work on my career.

I study by Bible and come closer to God everyday.

I have not gotten a speeding ticket in six years.

I have saved money and not bounced a check in three months.

I taught my daughter to read and to love reading.

I lost and kept off thirty pounds in the last six months.

I have traveled to twenty one of the fifty states. (Doing so I am living my Grandmother's dream of traveling.)

I have traveled internationally to Canada, Mexico, England and France.

Since the age of thirteen I have kept the promise to myself that I will never live in ghetto again.

I have been staying with the program that keeps me mentally on track for my bipolar disorder since December.

I have learned how to make friends by learning more about them than telling them more about me.

I teach my children one new thing everyday.

I have learned how to forgive those that cause me physical or emotionally harm.

I have learned to love myself.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Self-Esteem Notes

Self-Esteem is the single most important quality of a human being.

Positive self-talk is a quality of a positive person.

Positive encouragement of children is a good quality for parents.

Out of adversity can come greatness.

Measure of success in life is measured not by external standards but by internal standards.

Learning brings about change.

Many people overcome great obstacles to become great.

Only those with a strong sense of self-worth can display only modest things.

React rationally to shape your life not only emotionally.

Accept yourself just as you are at this moment.

Permanent enhancement needs constant positive self-talk.

Winners never put themselves down with action or words.

Winners in life accept compliments.

Walk more erect with a faster pace.

Keep a self-development plan ongoing.

Deep down feeling of own self-worth is the single best quality a person can have.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Is My Glass Half Empty or Half Full?

Today, my first thought was to say that the glass in my hand is half full of a volatile chemical that doesn't mix well water and I'm treading on thin ice.


My glass is actually full of a fruit medley yogurt smoothie in a fine crystal beautifully ecthed glass. My friends and family are the fruit in my glass. They are sweet and tart but they are so good for me. My husband is the yogurt in my glass. He keeps it all together for me. I get to carry my glass and no one . I am ultimately responsible if I spill anything from my glass. The ground that I am walking on is very solid. The only reason that my glass my spill is if I fumble my glass. Will I be safe and put my glass in the fridge? Absolutely not! I will carry my glass of life and show it off. I will tell people that meet about the fruit in glass. I will love, honor and cheish my yogurt. My glass is so full of wholesome goodness.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

What is Love?

G.K. Chesterton (English born Gabonese critic, essayist, novelist and poet, 1874-1936) states " You cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it." I lived nineteen years of my life loving people with all my heart in a little box. The day my eldest child was born I looked into her purple eyes and I felt my love for her burst through that box and create a universe of love in my soul. I was never aware that love could fill a person so deeply. With each child, my love went even deeper and wider. Thanks to my children, I learned what it truly means to love a person.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Where am I Going?

I used to think that there were different areas of my life, but now I understand that there is no such thing. All the so-called "areas" of my life are intertwined. In my career I plan to become a nurse practitioner and midwife. A few months ago I saw my career goals as my ultimate goals, now i see my ultimate goals differently. I have the goal of raising two young girls to become awesomely strong women and my son to be a splendid gentleman. My family is my passion and part of the reason I want to finish nursing. Because of my family and my career goals, they lead to another goal of getting healthy. I have joined a health club, changing my diet (this is harder for me than excercising), and even taking better care of my skin. I feel that with these changes I am making my myself a better person which will positively reflect in my life.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Why am I Here?

My name means Queen of the Lake who lives by the Cliffs and Summons.(just fun to know)

Why am I here?
At this point in my life I believe that God is making my purpose clearer to me. My most important purpose is to be a mother to my three great children and a wife to a man that is wonderful. I also am starting to realize that i have a natural tendacy to be cheerleader for people who are not feeling good about themselves. I do realize now that I cannot be a cheerleader for others all the time. Sometimes I get wrapped up in helping others that I forget to help myself. That cannot happen again. I feel that my life experiences has shaped me for a career in the nursing field. I have been told by some patients that I have taken care of that there is something comforting about my presence. I am humbled by comments like that by patients. Humanity never ceases to amaze me, at its worst and best. I feel that it is my purpose in life to serve humanity.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Praise vs Worship

T.D. Jakes states that when you praise God, you praise Him for what He did. But when worship God, you praise Him for just being God. I am guilty of mostly praising God instead of truly worshipping Him.

I try to spend time studying God's word everyday, but I know that I am not doing enough. I am in the process of getting my life closer to God by being a better mother and wife. I believe that we are to worship God not only in what we say but also in what we do. I can give lip service all day on how much I love God but what will that mean to God if I can't keep my home clean and my family taken care of in a Godly manner.

The first thing that I must do as a is to be a Godly wife. I must have the right heavenly relationship with my husband. When we get into an argument instead lashing out at my husband I need to try to be more understanding of his problems and to pray for him and with him. I need to pray for my husband's spiritual and physical health and other aspects of his well being. I am not saying that I am not to disagree or try to help him understand that he may be wrong in his thinking but I do not have to be mean in my dealings with my husband.

As a mom I know that there is nothing as contagious as a child's laughter. I feel that it is not an obligation but a cherished gift to get to raise my gifts from God. By cleaning my mind, my home, helping my husband and raising my children in Christ I am worshipping God in the best way I know. Hopefully one day I will be able to worship God through my career by shining His light through me.

Monday, January 17, 2005


I am so in love today. My husband took the day off work and spent it with me honoring me as only he knows how. He is a very awesome man.

I was watching the news today about the tsunami victims. I was heartbroken when I saw what those people are going through. I have sent as much as I could afford to help those in need. I am a mother and seeing how many families were torn apart or destroyed. I am pleased to see that people from all different economic status are working together to help each other during this time fo tragedy.


Friday, January 14, 2005

Mood Diary

I have decided to publish my mood diary on the my blog. This decision will allow me to be able to help others learn more about bipolar disorder."Bipolar disorder, previously known as manic-depressive illness, affects millions of people each year. For those affected by bipolar disorder, life is an emotional roller coaster of intense highs and crippling lows."( I personally was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was 23. All I remember was waking up strapped to a gurney and people telling me I was going to be OK. I was afraid of what was going on in my life at that time. within a week and a half of counseling and therapy I learned about bipolar disorder. I learned that the emotional issues that I had been going thorugh since I was around 13 wasn't just moodiness but a biochemical problem.

At this point in my life I am taking Symbyax to control my bipolar disorder. ( This medication is a combination of Zyprexa ( and Prozac ( I am able to think clearly for the first time n years and it feels good. Thank you Eli Lilly.

Friday, January 07, 2005

my husband

Many women say that their husbands are stupid or dumb. Many say that their husbands are lazy and no good. I would like to say that there are good, decent and wonderful men in this world. I hve one. This man does not drink. This man does not smoke. He does not go out an party. He is church going and God fearing. He is an excellent father, lover and provider. My husband works hard to support his family and put me through nursing school. While I am in school he watches our three children (two still in diapers) after putting in a hard days work. He makes sure that I have time to study and do homework, he even helps me study. He does dishes, laundry, floors, scubs the tub, cooks, changes diapers, pay the bills and still finds time to make sure that I am sexually satisfied. This man is awesome. For him to do all this and to deal with my mental condition (bipolar) is nothing short of saintly. It feels to me that I have met an angel whosed clipped his wings.